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| I'm currently sick. And not the type where taking a couple of pills and a few rest day can cure.
I'm really sick of being where I am...
I am sick of the people I am with and I am sick of life.
I am sick of the routines and I am sick the way I am treated.
I think I know why I am so sick...
because my soul is currently sick, it longs for something so much greater than what I have been feeding it.
I am so grieved because the joy I use to find in the Lord, in Jesus Christ is no longer there.
What happened to it?
Today, I truly desire to rest in you Father
and despite my rebellious heart, my will truly desires to take joy in you and worship you.
God, Father, would you give me that love and that joy I had so fervently found in you.
I am lonely, Father but would only your presence fill me up.
Amen. | | |
| EPIC Bay Area Summer Project is literally less than a day and a half away!
If you ask me, "Are you excited?"
My response would be a big fat, "No."
Every time I think of leaving New York City and heading to San Francisco my heart throws an emotional tantrum in my chest. It may be due partially to the fact that I have only raised half of my support and I have hit rock bottom financially however the main reason is really due to the BIG CHANGE factor. It is saying hello to new environment, new people, and new opportunities while I say goodbye to old ones. The worst part is not being able to do, manage, or coordinate anything except patiently WAIT and TRUST in the Lord God.
It feels like I must RUN but I know I must be STILL.
It feels like yearning and suffocating.
It feels like finally making bonds and not wanting to separate.
It feels like watching a really good movie and not wanting it to end.
It is the realization that all things must come to an end.
Don't get me wrong, this is a POSITIVE thing, believe me, because every end has a new beginning. I am very content and my spirit is dancing with joy and peace despite this feeling.
...What am I talking about, you say?
The answer is all too clear because this is the feeling of denying myself and picking up my cross to follow Jesus Christ.
_Before I leave there are two things I must do++Pack (Duh)
+The End of the Bonding Stage with Ilaniel and The Beginning of the next.
+The End of Summer with Boon and The Beginning of Summer with EPIC. _Question
What chapter in your life has come to a close? In turn, what new chapter has opened? | | |
| The Real Self Vs. The False Self
Dr. Henry Cloud, tells us, as long as we hide behind a mask, we will never be able to make bonds and have intimate relationships with our "true self". We will make false bonds with the "false self" that we desire other people to see. Consequentially, we can also make false bonds with God with our "false self". Then we are no longer worshipping our God in SPIRIT and in TRUTH. In other words,we must worship God in RELATIONSHIP and in HONESTY or we don't worship him at all.
Excerpt:
When the real self comes into relationship with God and others, and incredible dynamic is set into motion: we grow as God created us to grow. It is only when you are connected to the Head (Jesus Christ) and connected to others (the Body) that "the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow" (Col. 2:19). A coming together of grace and truth in Jesus Christ is our only hope, and indeed it is a hope that does not disappoint....
...If the true self is in hiding, the false self takes over. The false self is the self that is conformed to this world (Rom. 12:2). The false self is the self we present to others, the false front, if you will, that we put up for others to see. Paul speaks of the false self this way:
You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. (Eph. 4:20-25)
As long as the lying, false self is the one relating to God, others, and ourselves, then grace and truth cannot heal us. The false self tries to "heal" us by its own methods; it always finds false solutions, and the real self that God created to grow into his likeness stays hidden and unexposed to grace and truth.
(Henry, p. 17-19)
It has come to such a surprise to me how much I've grown emotionally and spiritually just by reading "Changes That Heal" by Dr. Henry Cloud. Not only has it helped me grown in these area, but I've also grown in having a closer relationship with Christ. Dr. Henry Cloud, really defines the meaning of True Fellowship, True Unity. He teaches this by defining four criteria in our life we must accomplish:
_Bond with others to form truly intimate relationships
_Separate from others and develop a sense of self
_Understand the good and bad in yourself and others
_Grow emotionally and spiritually toward adulthood
In the next couple of entries, I'm going to type certain excerpts of what Dr. Henry Cloud conveys in his book.
_IMO
The most frightening thing in reading this book, is realizing how many people, including myself wear a mask. As Asian Americans, we are conditioned to wear a mask for the sake of keeping harmony or to avoid conflict. However, I realized this is rather a nice way of 'denying' the problem rather than dealing with it. It is no wonder why, we as Asians have the highest suicide rate despite our nice and attractive 'harmonious' front.
_QUESTION
What about you? Do you hide your true self for the sake of avoiding conflict?
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| Today, a disciple was born.
"Ilaniel" | | |
| No thoughts seem to be coming to my head. All that is ahead is foggy and blank. I pray that I am only blinded momentarily but even if I am that the Lord will be my eyes.
I'm afraid there are not much things I say that are clever, clear and concise anymore and I feel I am getting more meager minded as we speak. No words of wisdom and epiphany comes to me any longer. All I see is a blanket of space before me. Within this space a melody that tugs at my heart plays. My heart begins to mourn and yearn. I wonder to myself if this is the devil calling. Clearly, I stand here and look at the very essence of my speech and thought process. As if at the edge of the Grand Canyon... I realized I've hit dead end and I can not cross.
However, besides that lets rejoice because my Xanga blog is alive again and the layout I made years ago happen to still work! (Before they didn't.)
I wish by blogging more I will be able to find something... if anything just achieve the clearing of my mind and exercising of my deteriorating brain. By Faith in Jesus I pray I make that leap and fly across this gap. | | |
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